I stopped drinking five years ago today. Yay!
Every year, I post some version of the same story about it.
I talk about how I used the mindset “My life will be better without alcohol”, I read that Alan Carr book “Stop Drinking Now” and I did and my life is comedically better without alcohol, etc etc.
I love that story! I always tell the story with a bow on it.
It is a true story and it is my strengthening and empowering version that I tell myself and the world.
It was -as I tell it, very easy for me to stop drinking in June 2017. It was very difficult for me to decide to stop drinking in the years leading up to that.
I am very proud of myself for becoming a non-drinker.
My current identity would not be possible with alcohol. I think about that all the time. This version of me does not exist with alcohol.
That said -
I have never included the bad parts of the story, but for some reason this year, I feel compelled to tell those things too. I think someone might be going through the bad things and it could be useful to hear the bad things that happened because of my drinking problem, not just the - here I am on the other side of it, “Yay Buck!” - story.
Today I am comfortable and confident enough to tell you more of the entire story. So here goes -
My life was VERY messy from 2013-2016. I drank every day between 2014-2016.
I went from never or occasionally drinking to always drinking. I went from drinking at the end of the day to “unwind” to drinking as early in the day as possible.
By 2016, I knew I wanted to stop but could not.
I googled AA meetings. I counted drinks on the calendar. I was such a heavy drinker, I could drink 10 drinks and barely have a buzz; so counting and restricting was not working.
I often had to text people the next day to apologize for being sloppy or worse breaking something in their home.
I always needed a ride. I was probably in your back seat yelling about taking me to Burger King.
I was demanding and needed a constant drinking buddy.
If you came to my house, you were basically required to get hammered with me.
People were kind. I was lucky. Thank you if you were one of these people.
I was very loved and taken care of.
It cost me lots of money to be a drunk. Lots of money.
It cost many hours and many days to be a drunk.
It cost me my marriage in many ways.
It cost me my YouTube career in many ways.
This is not an excuse for the marriage or career stuff - It was me. I did not want to be married or a YouTuber anymore.
The alcohol just made it easier to explode it all and made me incapable of dealing with anything that needed fixing or loving. That is a difficult sentence to write.
Other bad things happened when I drank -
I was roofied. It was scary but not surprising to me. I am lucky I got home safe.
I was often in situations with men or drugs I would never have put myself in if I had been sober. It was disappointing, but very much who I was at the time.
A week before I stopped, I was laying next to the toilet and that was likely the final come to Jesus moment - I remember thinking - “this is sad. How is such a joyful person such a drunk”? I was still joyful and grateful and funny and very much me in many ways, but the alcohol had won.
I am not sure I would be alive today if I was still drinking. That is also a difficult sentence to write.
Thank you for giving me the space to reflect in a thorough and authentic way today.
My life is very blessed and fulfilling. I just wanted you to know a little more insight where I was before I got here.