I had a very introspective morning so I wanted to share a bit of the meaningful conversation I just had with myself while roller skating! HA!
Two things set it off in my brain. First, I stumbled on an interview of myself during the summer of 2016. I look a little chubby and irritated. I am sure I was annoyed that I was still “having” to talk about being a "YouTube star" when I no longer was one. Also, I was probably a little drunk or at least hung over.
Second, I was listening to Barbara Cook in concert while skating just now and she said something like “I was in a hit. I hope you all know someday when it feels like to be it a hit because it feels great”.
I took those words in my head and ran with it.
I did know what it was like to be in a hit.
I was the star of my own YouTube show that I created and hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people were watching every day for years.
I would ask a questions and tens of thousands of people would reply in the comment section.
I had an attic full of lovely hand written letters from people all over the world.
I would go to events and 1000's of people were smiling and excited to see me.
Everyday I would like and see very high amounts of money in my AdSense account.
I went to bed every night knowing I was a hit.
Then after a few successful years, I saw my hit turn into a flop. It was very hard to watch myself fail on what felt like a giant stage.
To watch my views go from hundreds of thousands, to tens of thousands to barely one thousand.
To watch my AdSense go from 1000 dollars a day to 100 dollars a day to maybe 100 dollars a month.
I would still show up to these events and there would be a big room and maybe 10 people would show up to see me.
I also saw myself go from drinking once or twice a year to just on weekends and finally everyday.
I could not handle the feelings of embarrassment and disappointment in myself and dread about what I would do with the rest of my life.
I watched that interview with myself and I had BEEN SO HARD ON MYSELF! I beat myself up. I suffered so much at the expense of my own negative story I was telling about how it had all gone down.
Today, I tell a completely different story about myself and my time on YouTube. But it took a few years to get there. It really is a beautiful story and I love telling it.
Today it struck me that I was finally a “hit” again.
Not on YouTube - but truly just showing up 100% for my life.
Every single day. 🙌
And every thing is clicking. Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually, Financially. I have never felt better or enjoyed life more.
I love thatI know what BOTH feel like. So vividly and richly.
I know how to be a hit and I know how to be a flop.
The only difference now is I am VERY comfortable with both.
I love all versions of myself - wildly successful me and fucking it all up me. I look forward to much more of both!
Thank you for allowing me some space to empty out my brain. I know you have loved me so 100% unconditionally all along! I am so blessed. Love, MB ❤️